Published July 28, 2007
i kinda liked the idea of wizards acting like normal people (aka, the job and stuff), so that is mostly what spawned this story
Johnny stormed into my cubicle, and I exited my program right away. "Um, yes?" I said.
"What...are...you...doing?!" he yelled, and slammed a newspaper down on my desk. "ATREYIN HAS BROKEN OUT OF PRISON AND YOU SIT HERE PLAYING SOLITAIRE ON YOUR STINKING COMPUTER!" A bolt of lightning flashed out of the ceiling and hit my computer--which exploded.
Dang it! My computer! I thought. I hadn't been paying attention to what he'd said.
"Did you HEAR me?!"
What? Huh? Oh, right, he said something... "Well, sir..." I suck at coming up with stories.
"I SAID: ATREYIN...HAS...BROKEN...OUT...OF...PRISOOOOOOOOOON!"
Oh, crud, if he was lengthening his words, then he was really ticked. Wait, could he say that again?!?! "Ex-excuse me, sir?"
He sighed angrily--really angrily. "Atreyin is gone. His cell completely destroyed."
"Crud," I muttered under my breath. "That's what they get for trapping the most powerful wizard in the world in a prison, they needed to take him somewhere else!"
"He wasn't supposed to be able to do magic!" It seemed like Johnny was getting back under control.
"Well, sir, it still could've--"
Suddenly he grabbed at his hair and yelled, "GET TO WORK! YOU HAVE TO GET ON YOUR COMPUTER AND USE YOUR 'AMAZING'"--a lot of sarcasm in that comment--"SKILLS TO FIND ATREYIN!"
"Sir, you destroyed my computer."
"YOU'RE A WIZARD!"
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...
"Yes, sir."
"Oh, and I'm having ALL games removed from your computer and putting a block on Internet game sites."
I looked at the floor.
Johnny walked out, and I could hear him panting from his fit.
"Kinda sucks to be eleven and not be able to play games, eh?" came a voice from the cubicle next to me. I heard laughter.
"Nah, unlike some people I know, who would just break down and cry, I can handle it. More laughter. Jeff (the guy in the cubicle next to me) is a total idiot. Just so you know.
Oh, right, I forgot to explain a few things. I'm Adaron Mimfle Snuck, eleven, a wizard, and part of the WHAA. Which stands for "Why the Heck do we hAve a name like what sound a baby mAkes?" Haha, just kidding...okay, so it wasn't so funny. It stands for "Wizards Hacking Association of America". And everybody in it except for our boss, Johnny, is a kid. Everyone knows kids are better with computers than adults. Especially kids that are REALLY good with it, like us. And I was the best of them in this office. Oh, one more thing: If you think my name is weird, that's fine, because the Snucks always have weird names. Unfortunately. And it's not just that most wizards have weird names, because Johnny, Jeff, Alex, Anna, Zach, and a lot of others are wizards. Atreyin has a weird name too, but that's just 'cause famously evil wizards can't go around as Bob or something, because "The Evil Bob" and "Oh, no! Bob is coming!" just don't sound scary. So he changed his name to Atreyin. (Yeah, he started with a regular name too.)
Oh, crud, gotta sign off now, Johnny coming to check up on people.
Atreyin flipped off the radio on his black Ferrari F50. As he cruised down the road--speeding, of course--he was listening to Adaron's electronic journal. Oh brother, Atreyin thought. They expect a cocky little kid with a computer to find me? Puh-lease! Atreyin was surprised that they even knew he was gone yet, but he supposed that a lot of the gov's most powerful wizards--weak though they are--could have found out about his holographic cell with him in it by now. But they'd probably be exhausted, because Atreyin went for full power. And with him, that was a lot.
Smoothly he slid onto the road right next to the curb, he was here. He was wearing all black: a t-shirt, baggy black jeans, and boots. He had shoulder-length black hair, and although his skin wasn't black, it was tanned very dark. He looked very formidable, but in a cool way. Coolness was important; he was only nineteen, and he'd been in prison for three years, so he hadn't found out about the new styles yet. Although if something was black, it was in style for him.
He knocked on the door and the sound thundered down the street, as everything else was silent.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,541 Literary Works • 673,411 Reviews
I loved the hacking wizard idea. And there are totally hackers at 11. at my schoool, this sixth grader hacked into our whole online database and screwed everything up, and then a day later he fixed it! So never underestimate 11 year olds, especially magic ones, even though they're scrawny.
One thing you might want to do, because the capitals do seem a little out of place, is put it in bold italics. It's up to you, but it usually works okay, showing emphasis without the look of it being written by an 11 year old. Of course, now and then capitals are okay, some of the best writers use them.
Great ideas!
-Alanda
cartoon network...interesting choice. lol.
This sounds like something that would be on Cartoon Network. Since it seems oriented at kids, it's hard to critique.
I think this would make a better screen play. "More laughing." isn't really a sentence, but in a screenplay you can insert that kind of detail.
oh, you were only twelve...
Er. (shhhhhh!)
Though actually, I started when I was twelve, but still, I know there are 11-year-old peoples who are "good with computers".
it's not an online journal, Atreyin stole it
btw, it's summer, and wizards don't necessarily have to go to school at eleven, i'm still figuring that out
Acually in America you have to have a licsence to work if your 15. I'm fourteen and want a job but am too young. Dang...
~Pol
I think it's an interesting concept. Computer hacking wizards? Beautiful.
That being said, I think there's a lot of things that could be improved. The dialogue seems stiff and unnatural, like it's only there to introduce the story and move the plot along. Of course, that's what dialogue is supposed to do, but it's also supposed to introduce the characters, and it sort-of does that here, but it just doesn't seem right somehow. I recommend checking out the Nuances of Natural Dialogue usergroup.
I also think eleven is a little young. I understand that there are prodigies, but shouldn't he be in school? Assuming this is the modern, developed world, then there are child labor laws and so on. I think in the US you've got to be 14 to have a job, and so on.
Finally, since this seems to be a matter of homeland security (or whatever), why is your main character keeping an online journal about it? Shouldn't this all be confidential?
IMO the storyline is much more important than grammar amd punctuation so I didn't look for any errrors in that sense, but as for your story......
It's pretty original. I'm suprised wizards couldn't create something better than computers but still the hacking wizard concept is interesting. I just wish there was more to this chapter because all t hat dialogue made it very short.
haha, you'd know wouldn't you Aet
lololol
Um. Eleven-year-olds can be amazing hackers.
sorry if it bothers you, but capitalizing things is what i do...it's how i write
Hello there. The main problem here, before the story can even be taken into consideration is your grammar.
Capitalising words is taboo in creative writing. As always, certain authors break the mould - but as for starting out, we writers do NOT capitalise for anger and shouting. The same effect can be achieved by appealing to the characters senses, through body language, though HOW the character says things.
The entire piece is extremely rushed in terms of style. You resort to informalities which tend to corrupt what seems an interesting idea.
I can give you two remedies to your problem: GO to your library weekly, each week get a young adult fantasy novel and read it. Every few months get a non-fantasy and read it.
The second is simple - go around the forums like I have done and read work. If you like something think about why you liked it. If you disliked something then say WHY you hated it and what you suggest to improve. Critiques don't have to be geniuses. Im not a great writer yet I think my suggestions help.
Good luck.
thanks.
Hahahah. I like ideas in this story. Hacking wizards...lol. It was also quite funny in some bits and made me want to read more.
Now for the bad stuff. You lack description in this. Adding some description into this piece can really bring it to life. I think you can also show us more of the character's personalities.
Your dialogue is pretty good, but no caps please. Makes eyes bleed. There's also some spelling and grammer mistakes which I will leave you to deal with.
Overall, a funny read and I hope the plot will be exciting.
thanks
i realize how it relates back to the Harry Potter thing
the thing is, is a LOT of stories are about teens now, and i liked the eleven year-old thing
sorry about spelling, we got a new comp here that doesn't have microsoft word so i have to use wordpad, but usually the grammar is supposed to be kinda messy cause it's an eleven year old writing
thanks!
SirWozzell
It was pretty good. I like the whole hacking wizards thing, it was new. I think it drew back to a Harry Potter thing every now and then but I think it would be funnyer if the kid got more upset about his computer.
I agree that kids are better with computers but not eleven year olds. Mabye teens but... The grammer/spelling was a little off but for some reason I don't like critting that way so... Over all it was really good.
~Pol